Romance For Rich Creepy Dimwits
by Twisted Creampuff
Summary: Excerpts from Vlad's guide to salvaging his non existent love life, as seen in Maternal Instinct. In which I take several cheap shots at Vlad's virility.
1. Foreword

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Danny Phantom

**Warnings:** Not to be taken in the least bit seriously. I hope fellow Vlad fans can find it within their hearts to forgive me.

**Romance For Rich Creepy Dimwits**

**Foreword**

There must be several reasons for your current situation that only you can answer. Seeing as to to the fact that you are a lonely single man in your forties, it is probably safe to assume that the love of your life is already happily married, possibly with children of her own. If she is not, you are fortunate. There are others far less lucky than you.

We express slight concern for this unhealthy obsession that you have been harbouring for decades. Perhaps you have mistaken this for love. However, if you are certain of your feelings, kindly proceed, for we believe nothing should ever stand between you and true love.

You must learn to forgive yourself for whatever mistakes you have made in the past. What is done, is done. The most important thing is that you have conceded to your faults and lack of courting finesse, and are now seeking help through means of this book.

Perhaps you have previously spurned her with harsh words or rash actions. If you have, the first step you can take to correct this is to apologise. Alternatively, you could have your minions discover a means of time travel which you could use to remedy the situation.

Before we begin, let us lay down some ground rules:

1) Holding a loved one hostage in exchange for her affections **never works**. You can imagine the lawsuits. Compulsion, no matter the manner in which it is performed, is never effective.

2) Attempt to win over the rest of her family. Make sure her children get used to you, so that they are prepared to have you as a step-father. Perhaps she has a son who has similar interests to yourself. Offer to teach him, to guide him, if his imbecile of a father is incapable of doing so himself. Do not force him into anything against his will. The last thing you want is to make an **archenemy out of your future son**.

3)** Refrain from brutally insulting** her choice of husband, however stupid he might actually be. Doing so will only anger her. Instead, extend a seemingly warm offer of friendship towards him. Get him on your side, so that he won't suspect a thing.

4)** Never be too honest**, especially at this early stage. You've gotten to where you are now by lying, cheating and stealing. Pursuing a romantic relationship should be no different. You do not want to scare her away with unexpected proclamations of your undying love.

5) Uninstall whatever virtual programs of her you have created, and **take down any pictures of her** you have in your lair. You're going for the real thing now. Besides, you wouldn't want her to think you were some kind of stalker, should she ever chance across them.

You are a special, unique individual, and no one should ever tell you otherwise.

Every morning, look in the mirror and tell yourself: "I am a intelligent, successful, and very attractive man."

Indeed, you are. Any woman would be insane not to join you in your plans for world conquest. We mean, be your wife.

Concoct devious plots that will result in "unexpected" meetings, which you could use to spend time with her. If her son suspects it is an "incredibly well-planned coincidence", nip his suspicions in the bud by telling him that it is an oxymoron.

Scheme behind the husband's back. Try and find ways and means of surreptitiously driving a wedge between their relationship. Perhaps you could invite him to go fishing on their anniversary.

But be sure that one thing is certain in your mind.

Women, unlike the stock market, cannot be beaten into submission. They are like your shareholders, and will never be satisfied. Small, thoughtful actions and kind words may seem to go unnoticed, but think of them as investments. Similarly, one false move could ruin you. Women are not known to be forgiving.

These next few months will be very trying on your patience, but think of the great rewards you will reap when you succeed.

**Author's Notes: **Forgive my constant procrastination regarding **Metanoia**, but this was posted out of the intense desire to update something. This fic is great for stress relief, especially since the chapters are so short. Chapter 2's almost complete, so hopefully I will manage to get this done soon. I apologise for starting so many fics so suddenly and not updating them, but hopefully having started them will motivate me into writing more often.

Thanks go to _Sasia93, _who by agreeing to beta for me, effectively became my partner in crimeXD

Please leave a review to tell me what you think!

**Hugs and Kisses,**

**Twisted Creampuff **


	2. First Date

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Danny Phantom.

**Romance For Rich Creepy Dimwits**

**First Date**

Before the big date, spend an hour or so writing out a list of your positive aspects, to give yourself that extra confidence boost. You may require additional paper.

Remember to shower. Simple things count.

Dress smartly. First impressions make a big difference. Perhaps you could wear a tie in her favourite colour to curry her favour, unless it is an effeminate colour such as pink or purple. Doing so may result in her questioning your sexual orientation, which would not be ideal. We understand that it is immensely exciting to actually have an occasion to wear it to, but try not to overdo the cologne.

**Do not** even entertain the thought of pocketing that Viagra in your bathroom cabinet.

Take her to an expensive restaurant, the best you can afford. Italian is usually rather effective. It is unwise to be tardy, she probably has enough of that from her husband. As we have said before, first impressions are hugely important. It wouldn't hurt to surprise her with her favourite flowers. Blow her away by acting like a complete gentleman.

We understand that initiating conversation around the dinner table is often awkward and difficult. Do not allow her to perceive how nervous you truly are. **Confidence** is the key. It does not matter what you choose to talk about. The manner in which you conduct yourself is far more important.

**Do not** interrogate her on her relationship with her husband. It is acceptable to make several subtle passing comments about her current deprived, unhappy state, but no more than that. It is not wise to appear desperate.

If you find yourself overcome with nervousness, politely excuse yourself to the bathroom with a witty and charming remark. Look yourself in the mirror and repeat the ego boosting exercises we have taught you in the previous chapter, until you feel that your confidence has returned to you. You are an intelligent, successful, and very attractive man and no woman should ever make you feel otherwise.

Ignore any strange looks or noises of disbelief you may receive from the other occupants of the restroom. You are a much better man than they are. At least you have acknowledged that you are not a perfect human being. They, on the other hand, are jaded.

When you return to her, make sure your touches are nothing but innocent, and avoid all candlelit areas. You do not want to give the impression of becoming too serious too soon.

**Do not attempt to get her drunk.** The last thing you want is her suspecting your motives.

Offhandedly ask if she would like to go for a walk, preferably in a moonlit area. For reasons unfathomable to the male mind, this is apparently romantic. Attempt to hold her hand. If she backs away and claims she sees a ghost, or any other form of paranormal being native to your area, send your minions to destroy it. **Do not allow her to pursue it. **Doing so will only ruin your first date.

Perhaps you could stage the attack, and then fend your minions off in a grand chivalrous gesture. Women love big, strong men. Also, this could override whatever initial doubts she had about your virility, had you foregone most of our earlier advice regarding your wardrobe choices.

Do not be surprised at our surprisingly adept grasp of your psyche. Most rich, creepy dimwits are more alike than they will ever care to admit. We have helped countless others like you find true love in the past, and you will be no exception.

Now, put this book down. Go out, and enjoy yourself tonight. **Good luck!** You'll need it.

**Author's Notes:** I'm sorry, but the bit about the viagra was just begging to be written. I'm glad to know that there are other people that share my twisted sense of humour, and that fellow Vlad fans aren't taking too much offence from this. Thank you very much for the great reviews, and I hope that you all received your replies!:)

**Many thanks to: **_Mrs.Masters, Henshi-anichan, WisdomofInsanity , Jessica01, Egyptian Ghost Kitty, kia, cariadiorarua, Secret Spy Guy, Esme Kali Phantom, ghostanimal, Sasia93, TicTac, Free Dan Phantom, Angel Lullabye _and _hermie-the-frog _for your kind words of encouragement!

**Hugs and Kisses,**

**Twisted Creampuff**


	3. Playing It Cool

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Danny Phantom

**Warnings: **To be taken with a huge pinch of salt. Because we all know how much of a lady killer Vlad actually is;)

**Romance For Rich Creepy Dimwits**

**Playing It Cool**

Now that you have the love of your life hot and hungry, it is time to **feign disinterest**. What is seemingly unattainable is always immensely more attractive. Hopefully, you have managed to impress her with your immaculate table manners and cultured knowledge of Italian cuisine.

Your skill in the art of conversation is sure to have enraptured her, especially after having to put up with the daily nonsensical ramblings of her husband. She is sure to be appreciative of the intelligent conversation. In fact, she may be starting to wonder why she had even married that oaf in the first place. There will be opportunities to nurse those seeds of doubt in her mind, but not yet. For now, your main objective is to secure a second date.

After the glowing success of your first date, she is sure to believe that you are very popular with the ladies. Encourage that assumption. If she tries to call, have your butler tell her that you are out on another date at the country club, playing polo or something else equally noble. Nothing fuels the kindling passion of love quite like the fires of jealousy.

**Refrain** from calling her the moment you return from your first date. You are sure to have had a good time, but there is no reason to tell her that immediately. Remember that you are playing her hot and cold. She has to realise that she is going to have to work hard to secure you, especially since you are no longer the man you used to be. That ship has sailed.

You have to ensure that is she that comes to you, not the other way round. Perhaps you could agree to host many public events, to ascertain that your face is on television as much as possible. This will make sure that she is constantly forced to think about you and acknowledge the fatal error in judgment she made when she chose to spurn you all those years ago.

As much as it may hurt you to ignore her calls, do not put the poor woman out of her misery. The love of your life has to realise that she has to act fast, or she will lose you forever to one of those posh floozies she believes you are dating.

Perhaps you should begin keeping tabs on your future son. If you are to adopt him in the near future, you will need to know everything about him. From his grades, to his friends, interests and hobbies. Or even if he shares his future father's impeccable taste in women. Do not be surprised if he has a girlfriend. The youth of America are now beginning to date at a ridiculously young age. It does not matter that you, on the other hand, have never had a girlfriend. It is merely a generation gap.

Also, now may be a good time to start practicing those "come hither" looks in the mirror. You may require those bedroom eyes in the near future.

Do not be disappointed if she does not call. You are obviously far too devastatingly handsome, and have intimidated her, as you are out of her league. She is evidently waiting for you to make the first move. **Do not give in.** You will stand your ground. Love is the greatest battle you will ever fight, and we assure you that it will be worth it.

Finally, after denying her the joy of your presence for a week, send her a bouquet of wild, red roses requesting her company on a second date. Rather than sending the flowers to her home, which would arouse the suspicion of her husband, send the flowers to her workplace.

She is sure to accept your invitation. After all, what woman wouldn't?

**Author's Notes:** Please don't kill me. I love Vlad, really.

**Many thanks to my great reviewers:** _Morbid Ice Dan Phantom__, WisdomofInsanity, kia, __Danny Phantom Phanatic__Sasia93__, WTFWonder, __Yami-chan and Unrealistic__Jessica01__gothangel12345__, 'loha, __cariadiorarua__Henshi-anichan__Mrs.Masters__, cera meia, yuuki_ and _Koccinelle. _

Thanks for reading!

**Twisted Creampuff**


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